


Rose's Spandex Midlife Post-Menopausal Crisis

by Meteors



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humor, Mystery, Post SBURB, Spandex, Super Villains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-10
Updated: 2011-07-22
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:51:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meteors/pseuds/Meteors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enter the world following the game that would unite both Trolls and humans forever. Behold how life has gone on for decades in this new world. Life is good on Gumtree Lane under the guidance of Block Captain John Egbert... but then shit goes south, fast. An entire rash of crimes rocks the neighborhood and then...a new fiend appears.</p><p>Chapter seven now up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The B100 Collar Way of Life or The Loss of a Horse Dick Monster Truck

**Author's Note:**

> Our first glimpse into this wonderful future. Enter Equius who years after the game, has finally found something in Earth culture that he can truly get behind: The Blue Collar Comedy Group.
> 
> The trouble that would soon plague the entire neighborhood begins with him.

It was a typical summer evening on Gumtree Lane, the sixteen year winner of the Block of the Year award, twenty year winner of the Model Block Watch Award, and home of last year's first place float in the Civic Diversity Parade. Equius Zahhak was secluded from most of these trivial and generally foolish contests and preferred to stay on his own property so that he could focus on his own projects. Life was simple for him. Wake up, mind Nepeta, give praise to the Scions, and work on his current project. Intersperse some fine glasses of milk and breaks to scan the street for disgusting vagrants and his day was complete.

Equius was hard at work on his latest project which he had invested the past five years in. It was a monster, something befitting of the noble blue blooded and blue collared man he was. It was a symbol to both his might, his ingenuity, and his conviction to the teachings of the B100 Collared Ones. The "B100 Collared Ones" had been his only true guide in this new alien world. They were very proud and very aware of their blue status, much like Equius, and were revered by all walks of man as famous deities. They saturated the media on all fronts. They were quoted endlessly. They were the kinds of noble blue bloods Equius wanted to be.

With the exception of one "Larry the Cable Guy" who Equius felt was simply a commoner who acted as a jester for the other three members of the Blue Collar Comedy Group, he emulated their mannerisms and teachings. He often wore "trucker caps" or pieces of noble head wear bearing the insignia of the "Great South" which, as far as he knew, was a great fortress of the B100 Collared ones in ancient centuries, sleeveless plaid vests, cowboy boots, and b100 jeans. These were the typical god garb of the B100 Scions after all. They often made musings of such articles and wore them often.

The trio of Ron White, Bill Engvall, and Jeff Foxworthy guided Equius through everything. They made him strong and rigid in his ways, and he had not been one to succumb to the decadence of the human world. He had not forgotten his roots! ~~Neigh~~ Nay! He had embraced them! Who would have imagined the world of mutant bloods could have yielded such a genesis to the Alternian blue societal niche? Certainly not he.

As Equius mused Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" gag and muttered something about some of his _neigh_ bors learning where their sign was, he took a moment to step back and behold his pride and joy. The monster truck ran on entire gas stations. The second the hulking behemoth drove less than a mile, it needed fuel. Strong beasts did require constant nourishment after all. Its tires were large and imposing and could easily crush anything in their path like the mighty hooves of the musclebeasts back home. Equius began to sweat. Gazing on the beauty he had created was taking the life right out of him. He gripped a nearby tire iron and crushed it to paste out of habit. He took a deep breath and wrung out a few greasy strands of hair before gazing upon the true perfection painted on the side of his majestic, metallic, mighty muscle machine.

From rear bumper to front bumper ran a throbbing "hoof" attached to a mighty muslebeast proudly showing off his biceps with a masculine grin and raised eyebrow. Painted along the fifth leg were the words "B100 COLLAR PRIDE" in deep indigo. A tear formed in the creator's eye as he slowly arced his head along the horrible horse schlong and he smiled to himself.

 _Truly magnificent._ Equius thought. He slowly moved over to his mechanical opus and slowly embraced it. Then, suddenly, his STRONG ears picked up a mighty disturbance. Frail, unworthy hands were knocking at his front door. He adjusted his Confederate flag cap and slowly made his way to his abode which was fashioned out of two double wide trailers stacked on top of four double wide trailers. He had hefted them from the dealership himself and had arranged them all by hand. While the ignorant neighbors viewed this as a trashy display, Equius saw it for what it truly was: _A True B100 Castle._

As the equine troll peered through his door slit he frowned. He forced himself to stifle his anger as it was unfounded. His ears had deceived him. Although this was a red blooded, pink skinned human, it was the one who had granted his race a second chance, but more importantly, it was the _Block Captain._

John Egbert, captain of the Gumtree Lane Block Watch for the past fifteen years (since his father had given up the title for some fresh blood), was standing there. He stood around five foot ten and was wearing a buttoned up sky blue shirt with khaki shorts. A pin on his collar said "CAPTAIN" but as he always liked to say, he was a friend first, a neighbor second, and a block captain third. To Equius however, the order was reversed.

"Well hello there, neighbor! How are you this evening?" John said adjusting his glasses. His hair had thinned a bit and a small touch of gray was starting to show in. Things like that happened when you were pushing forty and had such a leader's burden.

Equius opened the door and bowed before the Block Captain. A puddle of sweat immediately formed around him and he lowered his head. "Hello my lord. All goes well aside from the _foolish_ noises of the youths in the neighborhood. I would like to remind you, if I may, that I have put in a request to have them reconditioned."

The captain let out a laugh and played with his glasses a bit. "Oh you big jokester you! That's my gag! I'm the guy who tells the jokes around here! Want me to write you up, pal?" John said laughing. He went to elbow Equius in his shoulder, but the idea of dousing himself in milky sweat put him off. "Nah, I'm here to remind you that we've had some reports of minor theft in the area. Since you're usually up later than most, could you kind of keep a watch for some suspicious stuff! I'd hate for us to lose our Block Watch award because of some thief you know!"

"I will certainly do my best, my captain. You have my honor. I will gladly "Git-Her' Accomplished" and show this criminal his or her sign upon capture should they be foolish enough to cross hooves with me." The troll replied standing up abruptly to salute.

"All these years and you're still quite the noble guy, huh? That's pretty cool! Anyway, I've got some more houses to inform, but big guy, there is something I should tell you." John said rocking on his heels. "Some of us were talking and it's certainly not ok for you to be not only hurling insults at some of your uh 'low blooded' neighbors, and it's super-duper certainly not ok for you to be hefting boulders at them. Can you please at least cut back on the hunks of earth?"

Equius nodded slowly and went to open his mouth, but suddenly cut himself short. A loud noise came from his workshop around back and he bolted through the trailer castle he had made. John followed close behind ran head first into his neighbor's sweaty back just as he stopped abruptly. He politely turned his head so that he could gag and nearly vomit in private, but it mattered not. Equius was on his knees holding his monster truck while sobbing large, STRONG tears. The engine had been stolen in mere seconds and the paint job he had spent so much time on had been defaced. The letters T and O were scrawled into it by some horrendous means.

John took a few steps over to Equius and slapped his hand away as it instinctively went to pat his back. He wasn't weary of the sweat so much as the reflexive ass kickings Equius liked to dish out when people touched him from behind. Dave had learned about that when he tried to show everyone he could put a tail on a donkey at the last Block Party.

"Hey, calm down. I'm on the case....hold on...what's this?" John bent down and picked up a note and adjusted his glasses once again.

 

 _A horse does weep_

 _Over the loss of its joy  
_

 _Like a farmer I deftly reap_

 _This is just the start, my boy._

-T.O.

The letter was short and made out of chopped up letters from various magazines. All sorts of things weren't adding up. The attack seemed too personal for it to just be a random crook and hefting out an engine that big so quickly was something no normal person could do. Not everyone on this planet had super strength or telekinesis. In fact, such powers were limited to this cud-de-sac.

It was an inside job. That much was clear already.

"Hang tight buddy, I'll help put a stop to this! I'll call....." John pushed his glasses to the top of his nose and put on a serious face. " _An emergency block watch meeting!"_

 

 

 _And so it began...  
_

 _  
_


	2. John's Ultra Productive Meeting That Blows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Block Captain John Egbert holds his emergency meeting and despite the meager showing, he enacts a plan to help stop this menace before things get out of hand. Shockingly holding a meeting causes things to get really out of hand.
> 
> Featured in this chapter: A power chair with flames on it.

John sat in his driveway on the far side of a folding table and nervously stirred his ice water. He had printed up emergency meeting leaflets in record time and had practically _power jogged_ around the entire cul-de-sac spreading them around! With the whole _recreating the friggin' universe_ aside, the Captain had done a ton for the people of Gumtree Lane! How often did he return Nepeta to her home when she went looking for new furry friends to rescue and wound up on the wrong end of a group of furries at a local convention? How many times had he mowed Sollux and Feferi's lawn as the latter sat on her porch and threw things at him? In all fairness it was for the -EXCIT-EM---ENT of turning normal boring mowing into extreme I-hope-you-can-dodge-rocks mowing. Regardless, not a single one of them showed up.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart." An wispy old voice said. John soon found his chair being rammed at the healthy speed of one mile per hour. "Welcome to Wal-Mart." Dearest old Bro had shown up at least. Even though he was in excellent shape for a man his age, in possession of all of his mental facilities (according to Dave anyway who swore on a stack of vinyls that when no one was looking, Bro acted normally), pulled off the facade of a senile old man who worked at Wal-Mart. He repeated his greeting once again and put his power chair in reverse. The mean machine was covered in upside down flame decals and had the phrase _KILL ALL COPS_ spray painted on the back of the seat. Fuzzy dice hung from the handle bars and spinners adorned the small rubber wheels.

With a sigh John moved his chair and let the older Strider ram himself into the table and claim his spot. "Hello to you too, Mr. Strider. Are you here for the meeting?" He asked casually. "It should begin any second. This is an emergency meeting. Don't be alarmed though! The Gumtree Block Watch is here to protect you sir!" The words practically bursted out and a cheery expression crawled onto John's once defeated face. He loved having a sense of duty.

Bro held up his hand and slowly rolled his chair over to John. His hand was mere inches away from the man's face and he popped him the bird. "Welcome to Wal-Mart." He said again. He slowly rolled back into his previous place and opened a small grocery bag. He littered the table with his infernal Smuppets and glared directly into Egbert's eyes from behind his shades. He knew full well he scared the man, and like all old people, he fed off such fear.

Twenty more minutes had passed and from across the way a horrible mess of hairspray and gaudy jewlery dragged a much thinner body across the asphalt. Feferi had arrived with Sollux. Joyous of days. The second most chaotic family on the block was here. What a blessing.

"John I'm just _sooooooo_ glubbing sorry we're late, I had to _doooo my haiiiiiiiir._ " Feferi said swiping her hand across the air. Sollux simply took a chair and slumped in it. He hadn't changed much. He was still scrawny, wore pretty much the same attire he had since he was a kid, only had decided to up the ante by _tucking his shirt in._ He sold computers and computer accessories and was damn proud of it.

"Oh hi there guys!" John said immediately flocking to the two. He could still feel Bro's horrible gaze burning into the back of his skull. "I uh...I get it! Hair is a big deal! And it looks sooo good just like every single desperate housewife combined plus eleven!" The Captain smiled to himself. Feferi had fallen in love with Earth culture, specifically the parts concerning upper class white housewives in compromising situations. Unlike them however, her life was pretty uneventful so she had to generate her own first world problems and broadcast them to whoever she could. For example, word on the street had it that she had called Kanaya at midnight in tears because Sollux had said _yeah_ instead of _yes_ to one of her questions and was "Obviously not the man he said he was!" before sobbing for three more hours.

Feferi bit her finger and laughed. Her horrible shark teeth destroyed any sense of precociousness, but that was just something everyone had gotten used too. "Oh my, you do go on!"

"Please no." Sollux said rubbing his temples. "If you value whatever sanity you have you'll just stick a sock in your bucked foodhole and save us the trouble."

"You sound like Sylvester the cat!" John said impulsively. That was how he dealt with any form of negativity when he was in proffessional mode. "I mean erm. Yes. There's a horrible problem on the block! Equius you know...who is so distraught from his loss, can't be here with us, but he had his entire monster truck engine stolen and someone tore up his um...really....nice paintjob!"

Feferi looked to Sollux who looked back to her. They then both looked back to John who shrunk back a bit.

"Seriously?" Sollux said flatly. "You jammed like sixty of these in our mail hole because Sweat McHorsedick got his giant Horsedick truck messed up? That sounds more like a celebration."

John began to panic slightly and began to fumble with his Captain pin. This guy wasn't promoting group synergy! What was there to do?

"Mr. Captor." A gravelly voice said from John's doorway. "With all due respect, I find our neighbor's taste in artwork to be rather offbeat, but hasn't he always been kind enough to advertise your business?" Stepping out of the house, pipe in hand, was the original Block Captain, Mr. Egbert, John's father.

Sollux sat up straight. Simply being in the same three mile bubble as that powerful nose was enough to make him freeze. "I...I...yes. He does do that."

The older Egbert took a seat in one of his folding chairs and smiled at his son. "Now we all live on this street. We all coexist. We should _want_ to truly help each other. That's what a Block Watch is for, yes?" His nose flexed instinctive. The giant facial growth still detected doubt in Sollux's heart and he stood up silently and walked inside. He came out with a piece of cake and sat it on the table. "Now how would a piece of cake suit you or Ms. Feferi?"

" _Agree to help him and get the glubbing cake."_ Feferi said grabbing into Sollux's shoulder. A soft cracking was heard as she squeezed harder. He nodded violently and nearly lost a hand as the former Alternian Princess consumed the confection in one bite.

"Excellent. How that is settled, we should..." The elder smiled and patted John on the back. "Pardon me. I tend to forget that I'm not the Block Captain. Johnny, go ahead and take over. I didn't mean to intrude."

John snapped out of his daze and stood up.

 _Maybe I should just turn it over to pop. I mean. Maybe I should just brush up. It's pretty likely I'm cut out for universe creation but not for the honor of **[BLOCK CAPTAIN]**._

"Huh. Oh!" John nodded and clapped his hands. "So basically, we should all just remain extra vigilantand report anything suspicious!" A truly anticlimactic ending to a dull meeting. "So uh...everyone have a nic-

"Nobody move some motherfucker here has a giant cancer rock." A smooth voice said from behind the folding table set-up. "Alright come on one of you guys. Hold your tumors up or something. I'm not gonna get my boyish ass chewed out!"

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" Bro chimed arching his fingers.

"Fuck you old man no one's buying it." The newcomer said. "No seriously I'm looking for a giant glowing rock. Jade said she caught a glimpse of someone all up in the Stride Cave jacking what may or may not be ball poppingly illegal uranium which totally isn't for shady fruit genetic engineering shit."

Dave was the same as ever. Almost in a creepy way. Like Sollux he looked lankier than he had as a kid, taller for sure, but he had a little...hang up. He had grown fond of wearing hats as of late. Some people saw it as a homage to his brother, but John knew what the true cause was. He was going as bald as a baby's behind.

"Oh uh, what is it Deputy Captain Dave?" John said waving like a large goof.

"I think I just discovered like some big fucking deal with some crime." His shades reflected the setting sun and he pointed in the direction of his seemingly normal home. "I think somebody here is pulling some grand theft everything cause no normal guy in a ski mask could have gotten to our treasure trove of illegal and cancerous shit."

 

He then paused.

"I mean garden supplies for arts and crafts."

The entire showing at the meeting was enthralled. Suddenly, probably because of the sheer _coooooool_ coming off the aging Strider, they cared. Feferi slammed her hand on the table and made a proclamation to force Sollux to stay up all night to watch for anything susp _fish_ ious and even John found himself suddenly caring....even though he already cared kind of a lot to begin with!

John's door opened a second time and Vriska Serket bounded down the steps to the driveway. "Sorry about that, I was just catching some zees. Is there a meeting?"

"How many did you catch buddy, eight zees?" John said slapping his own knee. Vriska snorted and laughed exactly _eight_ times. Slapped her knee exactly _eight_ times and cried exactly _eight_ tears at the joke. John and Vriska bother operated on some creepy single alien roommate vibe that only they could comprehend. Everyone else simply took the horrible joke as what it was, a horrible joke.

Eventually others began to flock due to the commotion in John's driveway. All of them suddenly missing something important. John began to compile a list, which would unfortunately grow before the week's end.

 

  

  * nepeta: lost creepy baby carriage stroller thing she puts stray cats in 
  

  * kanaya: lost sewing machine
  

  * jade: horrible cancer rock (note to self: perp may be covered in tumors!)
  

  * karkat: lost his hearing (note to self: not really a victim of the thefts, just yells too fucking much, geez!)
  

  * rose: lost her nerve (note: this is probably a metaphor for something classy! will google later.)
  

  * eridan: lost all fine bitches. gave directions to return all fine bitches to his house (note: may be a total fabrication as he has never had any fine b-words)
  

  * terezi: lost all respect for karkat (note: ok seriously these two need some help)
  



Each and every victim would find a little piece of paper taunting them for their loss sent by the mysterious T.O. Whoever they were, they moved with a blinding speed, immense might, and knew how to stay out of sight.

By the start of the weekend, no one went outside. Everyone suspected everyone else of being guilty and the once proud neighborhood was in shambles.

T.O. was still on the loose but worse yet...the National Neighborhood of the Year judging committee would be around by the end of the month and a blemish like this could cost Gumtree Lane their spot for national recognition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this chapter as a whole. It's basically unfunny and all the boring exposition wrapped up into one run-on chapter. Sure, we meet a few more people, but it's really just to set the stage. I promise the next one won't be nearly as awful!
> 
> Also, a lot of questions brought up in this chapter such as who is living with who and why will be answered in due time. Don't expect anything deeply romantic though. I mean honestly. That was all in chapter one. Nothing will top the love Equius has for his poor, poor monster truck.
> 
> Any feedback, comments, or anything you would like added into the story (providing I can manage it) would be greatly appreciated!


	3. The Realm of La'ondle or Rose Is A Horrible Recluse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our story shifts to who will become the most important character rather shortly.
> 
> Rose Lalonde is single, living in her mother's basement, and has decided to join forces with Kanaya Maryam to confront a problem facing them both. Originally hired as an editor for her Realm of La'ondle book series (which she swears just needs a publisher who isn't a paint licking moron), Maryam now simply takes up space and helps Rose mind her felines while helping with Operation Cake Eater.

The Realm of La'ondle was a piece of fiction which Rose felt had a place in this world she helped recreate. It was a defining opus that was supposed to contain thirteen books each weighing at at least one thousand pages. In the magical Realm of La'ondle, Zazzerpan, a wizard from one of her childhood works, traveled about the mystic world looking for the Tome of A-mooar which was said to be held by a powerful magus deep within the Bitterlands. Needless to say, that despite drawing on a few "true examples" of magic, the tales of Zazzerpan, the wizard with an overbite as prominent as his large beard, were destined for bargain bin status the moment they hit a publisher's desk.

 

>  _Ms. Lalonde:_
> 
> We here at Turtle Books found your tale to be ambitious, but in need of severe pruning. While some readers have the need to immerse themselves in _four-hundred pages_ of lore regarding the significance of _beards_ in wizard culture along with an entire _collection of assorted poems_ about these _beards, the casual reader may be put off.  
> _
> 
>  

Some publishers were not as kind, especially when Rose, filled with holy fire and enraged by the ignorance of the many companies that spurned her magnificent lore, was very adamant about her art.

 

> Miss Lalonde:
> 
> Your request for us to review and publish what appears to be a thousand pages of beard pornography has been denied.

 

Soon the young aspiring author became a ~~premature old hag~~ matured, and grizzled writer in a world where only mainstream filth received any spotlight. Even her own family turned against her.

 

> rose
> 
> this is seriously
> 
> like aside from your giant fucking beard fetish
> 
> i mean fuck did you get off to seven dwarves or something
> 
> but like honestly
> 
> the witch with the big spell bags is you
> 
> and the buck toothed asshole who strokes his beard every three paragraphs is either pure innocent john or my waifu
> 
> and you best not be lezin out on my waifu
> 
> i paid good money for that waifu
> 
> why not stop writing self insert fan fics with beards and go outside sometime
> 
> like ever
> 
>  
> 
> -the arist known as the dave
> 
>  

With all this negativity surrounding her work, Rose had not aged gracefully. Despite just being in her thirties, her affinity for packing her house with felines, not tending to her physical appearance (what author can?), and being generally bitter caused many in the neighborhood, especially the children, to refer to her as the "Horrible Witch Cat-lady" or to some of the more articulate ones "The really menopausal bitch who probably eats kids and shits bats." Many adults even considered her house haunted despite knowing it was just Rose, her mother, and her many cats living there.

The true reason Rose had immersed herself in her ~~shitty wizard self insert fanfiction~~ Realm series was because of one fateful day some twenty years ago. It had all been Dave's idea from the start...simply put on a little act for John who was sort of on the hunt for a girlfriend..."oh be a nerd" he said. "play up the creeper cat lady" he had advised. It was to make John not feel as though he was dealing with some "fine-ass ho who would make him get tongue tied like a  retard deep throating a hotdog."

She could hear [every word of it now...as if it were yesterday.](http://tindeck.com/listen/ofbb)

Now though, now was the time for her to rise up from her pit of self loathing and take action. As the memories haunted her each night as she slept in a bunk bed (Rose's mother thought perhaps her daughter was regressing by inviting a stay-in BFF and sought to enable Rose due to the childhood she felt she lost in SBURB), the need for definitive recourse rose (GET IT LIKE HER NAME). But, one obstacle stood in her way: Vriska Serket.

In Rose's mind, Vriska was John's lover, one he may or may not have proposed to. They had lived under the same roof for eons and always seemed to be having a ruckus. This was further perpetuated by her inability to mingle in public due to her hatred towards the SHEEPLE of the world. With no real way of finding out about her neighbor across the street, she was left to her own imagination.

In reality however, both Vriska and John were just roomies making the best of things. When Dave had split due receiving his own _ball and chain_ , John sought another bro to chill with for a while, and Vriska apparently fit that bill. It benefited everyone too since with her mind preoccupied on her man-child activities, she had little time to meddle.

Kanaya came into the picture due to her slight involvement with Rose's writing project and due to her immense knowledge on Vriska. They had plotted for years and secretly fed off each other's crazy cat lady energies.

As of three nights ago, they had finally completed Operation Cake Eater, a fool proof plan designed to tear Vriska from John and have Rose swoop in and make up for her mistake of the past. It was already going swimmingly enough, and in a few short days, the true climax of the plan would go into affect. The hard part was just getting the look for it.

Kanaya sat on the far end of Rose's large basement-room nestled between two bookshelves and a sewing table. She threw a few haggard looks to Rose and squinted a bit. The crow's feet on her face were deep from many sleepless days and her overall countenance was just shitty. She was a true fussyfangs, even at this age.

"Maryam." Rose began. "Know that this plan hinges on your creation." Her voice was curt and she kissed two of the felines that had found their way onto her shoulder. "Not that you would sabotage things, or otherwise perform poorly..." Her eyes scanned the room and she turned to her computer. Chapter 209 was finished. Fie upon the book companies! She would publish via internet! Nothing could stop her.

"I am fully aware." Kanaya said flatly. She froze up as one of Rose's cats scratched at one of her tiny ankles. A sharp look jumped into Rose's eye and she threw a damning finger at the cat.

"CLAWSHIRE THE WHISKERED, DO NOT IMPEDE WITH MY PROGRESS!" Rose sounded more like an irritated mother than the dark master of cats she felt she was. "That goes for you as well Purrcival. If you wish for your precious _kitty-kitty num-nums_ , you shall stay your paw from my accomplice."

There was a shuffling upstairs and the door opened casting a bright light into the basement. Rose's mother stood holding a tray of Capri Suns and Fruit Rollups.

"Oh my." The elderly woman said carefully walking down the steps. Her hairstyle had not changed at all. It alone gave off an aura of youth that far exceeded Rose's entire being. "Am I permitted to enter the magical world of Lolidle."

"Mother." Rose said sighing tiredly. "It is the Realm of La'ondle. I cannot fathom the amount of times I have had to correct you. This room specifically is the Scrawler's Crypt, as it is where I write my tales."

Rose's mom just nodded and sat the tray down. "Well good for you. I hope you two have a nice time. Don't stay up too late. And remember to do the dishes before too long. There might be a reward for such a Cleaning Wizard in the refrigerator if she does them!"

A familiar heat spread across Rose's face and she turned away, still hiding her features in the shadows. "Fine mother! Just please! Kanaya and I are discussing our plan! I am thirty-eight years old, I should be allowed to plot in private!"

"Yes, yes. Alright, you two have fun then." She laughed to herself and stumbled up the steps. Despite this, she didn't drop a single bit of her martini.

Kanaya turned her attention back to Rose and nodded firmly. "I shall be done within the hour it seems. This 'spandex' is much easier to manipulate than I imagined. We may be able to continue with Phase Two shortly. Though, word on the John human's Neighborhood Crime Watch website states that the neighborhood should be on watch."

"However we planned for this." Rose added drinking some of her Capri Sun. "The mistrust has spread, has it not? Tell me, on your early morning walk did you see anyone outside? Did you see any windows or doors open?"

"I did not. And the scant few comments on the website state that there is a great deal of animosity on the neighborhood."

"Yes exactly. Everyone will simply suspect everyone else of being responsible for what happens next."

 

And then Kanaya finished her item.

And the worst of things began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Included a silly audio recording too. Rose credit goes to the ever talented Kerez. Dokis all around.
> 
> If you're not into listening to stuff, it's basically Dave making Rose come across as a real creep to repel John. Why? Jade wanted to see the two together especially so she could have a manthro-play-tea-party double date thing with them. Silly old Dave just...wasn't "into" the whole thing, so he sabotaged it easy enough.
> 
> And as usual, feedback would be very appreciated, thanks for reading!


	4. John Egbert's Bill Murray Pajamas Absorb Rain or Enter T. O.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a look at how tense things are outside of John's home and see how hectic things are inside of it as our Captain thinks of a remedy for the situation over a bowl of Trix. His thinking is interrupted and it's time for Captain and Deputy Captain to kick some ass. On their moped.

 

Jade sat on her lawn with pieces of scrap strewn all about. Although it appeared as though she lived in the most quaint house on the block, her abode actually went several levels underground. You can take the girl out of the lab, but you can't take the lab out of the girl. Or something like that. Plus, it was probably better for the neighbors and their health if most of her experiments were performed several feet under the Earth's surface anyway.

A teenager, somewhere on the better side of fifteen sat on the steps lamenting guard duty. He was pale, wore his hair swooped down in a dark arc and wore the ugliest green flannel to ever be taylored. His eyes were small and beady and he hadn't been fortunate enough to acquire his father's perfect smile. He was listening to Green Day unironically-ironically to show his _old man_ he didn't give a _fuck_ about his _irony_ but in fact was being _so ironic_ that he cared _even more._ This was a normal Strider thought process.

"Hey, Snoopy, can you grab me the big wrench? I need to make our sentry gun stable or else one of our horrible neighbors might break in and steal all of our nice things and suffocate us in our sleep!" She did her best to sound perky and was damn good at it despite the subject matter. Her hair was in a messy bun and she had large bags under her eyes from a lack of sleep.

Snoop, or Snoopy to his parents, had an interesting entomology as far as his name was concerned. Dave, being the mature adult he was, always wanted to name his spawn after one of the many artists that shaped him into the man he was today. Jade on the other hand, was strangely affectionate towards names shared with the cartoons she enjoyed as a child. After Mickey, DMX, Tom the Cat, Dirty Old Bastard, Spongebob, and N.W.A. sparked nothing but conflict between the two parents to be, they settled on Snoopy which borrowed origins from Snoop Dogg and Snoopy the dog from Peanuts fame.

The unfortunately named child pretended to listen to his shitty retro music at an even louder volume and shook his head violently. He wasn't about to be a _fucking cog_ for the _rents_ because he was busy _in the muse zone_ thinking up _sweet indie film ideas_. His mother called twice before smiling and getting the wrench herself.

"Forizzle momizzle what's UPPY UP, yo?!" A voice with as much pep as Jade's cut in. It was the other child. Ruby. Who was also named after a trashy trailer gem like her mother. She had dyed bright red hair and was decked out in blinding vintage clothes, a skit, and enough distracting oooooo-shiny jewelry to occupy an entire commune of the attention deficit. She was walking along with a young troll who was easily one and a half times her size as far as width was concerned. It was a nervous looking child with four overlapping shark teeth, a pair of red and white goggles, and the ugliest t-shirt knee-skirt combination ever.

"Oh nothing much! Just building a sentry gun! It's almost done!" She slowly turned it towards the fat little troll who put her hands up and slowly walked backwards. "See look at it! Tell your parents that if they try to steal more of our glowing, radioactive rocks for your mommy's gaudy jewelry, they'll just....pchoooooo! Right to the graveyard, ok!"

The chunky little thing shook her head and backed up into her own lawn. "N-n-no. Because my mom says you and your t-tw-twiggy u-uh. Guy. You stole all her nice stu-stu-stuff so you can afford more sci-sci-sci-sci-science stuff."

A verbal argument broke out between the two families shortly after. An exchange of wrenches and dead fish were thrown and chaos ensued.

A few houses over, Karkat stood on his porch with a brick. He threw it up and down and waited for his mark.

"Karkat!" A voice from the house bellowed. It was screechy and enough to drive a perfectly happy person off a bridge.  "Karkat! Hey! Karkat!"

The former leader of the trolls mumbled a series of swears and scratched at his sweat pants. "Shut up woman I'm about to hit that annoying shit right in his skull!"

There was a pause. "Karkat! Karkat! Hey! Why don't you rub my feet because I walked around a lot today at work!"

Karkat slammed the brick into one of his porch chairs and stomped his foot. "I DON'T WANT A TUB OF BEETS! WHY IN THE BLUE LEFT FIELD FUCK WOULD I WANT A TUB OF DISGUSTING EARTH VEGETABLES?"

Terezi was quiet for a moment. "WHAT?!" She yelled back throwing a mug at the screen door.

"WILL YOU STOP THROWING SHIT YOU STUPID GRUB MUNCHING HAG? I'M TRYING TO HIS THIS SHIT IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK. JUST HOLD ON AND STOP BITCHING." The whole neighborhood knew of these loud, often profane fights and they had gotten used to them over time. All hours of the day, the two loud, hard of hearing trolls would fight it out over everything, then settle down for a few hours. Sometimes, people would gather on their lawn when the power was out to catch some entertainment.

After a few moments, Tavros rode by on his bicycle and tinkled his bell at his good neighbor Karkat. In his basket were his evening groceries. "Uh hey there! Guys! Having a good night? I would love my erm uh...fiduspawn cards back! You uh...guys probably borro---"

The brick sailed by and hit Tavros in the skull and he fell of his bike with a tinkle noise.

Karkat laughed smugly. "I FUCKING HIT HIM. YEAH TAKE THAT YOU RETARD. YOU GIVE BACK MY FUCKING DVDS YOU TOOK. I DUNNO WHY. BUT PROBABLY TO PISS ME OFF. THAT'S ALL YOU FUCKING DO."

Terezi started screaming from inside and Karkat flipped the Tavros heap the bird and went inside.

 

 

Far away from all of this chaos, on the second floor of his home, John Egbert, a man of 38 years, sat in his Fonz pajamas and ate his Trix cereal (the real adult thinking food) as the evening news played. Storms were moving in. That was the news. He had done damage control keeping this rash of thefts from reaching the news. He could handle it. He was the _block captain_ , gosh darn it! He couldn't let a mystery he could totally solve himself ruin the long standing streak of awards he had helped win!

"Think, think, think....come on." He mumbled rocking around in his room. "Who could it be? I mean everyone is suspecting everyone else so...who doesn't fit!" The rain started outside and a few flashes of lightning illuminated the man-child's room. He stood up and began to pace. "Aw crackers...this just doesn't add up! I mean...gosh. Who would even want to alienate some of the only people who understand what they've been through! I mean maybe it's the person we all least suspect..." John trailed off and formed a list of suspects on his whiteboard but was suddenly interrupted by the familiar sound of the Ghostbusters theme song. That was his urgent tone. It must have been an emergency!

" _Yo listen man it's me. Meet me outside. Got robbed just now. Right in my own bathroom. Looked out to yell for some fucking asswipe and saw someone running out with my stack of records-you know the stack I swear on like bibles all the time."_ For once in his life he sounded like he lost his nerve. With no stack of records to swear on, how could he ever sound serious again?! " _Found another one of their notes. They're headed for the park down a ways. You're gonna have to....unleash the beast..."_ He hung up shortly after.

John sprang into action and slid on some pants and then slid himself down the bannister. Even though he fell halfway down, he stood up with renewed vigor and bolted out the door with a pair of keys in hand. An ominous skull hung from a keychain with the words THE BEAST written on a small tag. EMERGENCIES ONLY.

The rain was pouring when John hopped the stairs and stuck the key in the garage. Dave ran after him in a red jacket and ballcap and inserted his own key into the garage door. They turned them at the same time and took a deep breath.

Sitting before them. With an off-blue paint job. With right-side-up-flames. With a small siren and light on the handlebars. Was the beast. The words GUMTREE LANE B. WATCH were neatly printed on the left. THE BEAST was printed on the right.

Dave hopped on the back of the seat (known as the Deputy's Throne) and John took the front half of the seat and started the moped up. It let out a weak _hnnnnnnn_ but to all enemies of the Gumtree Block Watch, it was a mighty roar! Or...so they said.

The two sped out in the rain towards Michael J. Fox Memorial Park and made sure to ~~allot for the weather by decreasing their speed in an adult fashion~~ fuck the weather and kick this bitch up to 25mph! Then turned ~~_appropriately_~~ fucking powerslid onto 38th street and made their way down Main. The park was five minutes away. The crook didn't know what they were in for.

From a set of speakers which drowned out the rain, the popular song _Fuck the Police_ boomed. Coming from behind Dave and John was a horrible machine. One with KILL ALL COPS painted on the back.

"Dave, is that your brother?" John called out making sure to keep his eyes dead ahead. Dave turned around and went numb for a moment.

"Y-yeah." Dave said. "Wonder what he's doin out."

Bro then proved what he was "doin out" and it was well.

To kill all cops.

He moved in close on his powerchair and pulled out what appeared to be Cloud Strife's Buster Sword. He slammed it into THE BEAST and welcomed John and Dave to Wal-Mart. John quickly corrected and nearly pooped his britches.

"Come on man what do we do! It would be horrible for me to do the windy thing to your aging, bat-shit insane brother!" John yelled keeping the park in his line of sight.

"I keep telling you man, he isn't senile!" Dave yelled drawing his own blade. He never left home without it. ~~And no. He wasn't compensating for his hair. Fuck you reader.~~ he kept it all the time because he's cool.

"Well what do we do! He's gonna knock us off and maybe hurt himself! What if we lose T.O?!"

Dave patted John on the back. "Nah man. You go after T.O. I got Bro. We got some shit to settle anyway. You wouldn't get it."

John scrambled and nearly got his head taken off by Squall's Gunblade courtesy of Bro who was a dead aim when hurling shitty anime swords. "Don't hurt him! Come on!"

There was a laugh. "Strider stuff." He let go and landed on his feet. He began to skid and kick up water as he moved across the wet asphalt. The street lights were the only form of light in the BLACKEST OF NIGHT. Bro quickly stopped giving John his full attention and did a U-turn. He pulled up right in front of Dave and stared him down. John stopped too but was shooed.

"I told you man. Strider stuff. You stop T.O. It's your destiny or some fruity shit." Dave yelled. The second he turned back to face his aging brother, he found himself blade to powerchair. Bro was up alright. And wielding his pimped out old man chair like a blade.

"Good luck, Dave!" John yelled revving THE BEAST. He charged forward and into the blinding rain. He could hear the metal on spinner clangs behind him, but kept pressing on. The park and the large statue of deceased actor Michael J Fox stood before him. The lightning flashed. A figure stood at the very top of the actor's head some eleven feet off the ground. A scarf whipped around in the wind.

In between flashes, the villain's appearance became clear. Clad in purple and pink spandex with TO on her chest, was the thief. She pointed at John and smiled. She wore a mask that covered the top half of her head so only her shit eating grin was visible.

"So captain of this fair street. You've decided to confront me. Know that I will not go down without a fight."

John shielded his eyes from the rain and let everything soak in. His brain came to several major points.

  

  * This was the bad guy
  

  * Oh my god this is a cool fucking super hero versus comic book bad guy fight!!!!
  

  * How does a lady that stout get up a statue that tall?
  

  * Oh my god this is a cool fucking super hero versus comic book bad guy fight!!!!
  



"F-fine! But I'm going to bring you to justice....T.O.!" John said gaining some vigor. "You'll pay for your crimes!" He said pointing back at the villain. "Because I'm John Egbert: Block Captain!"

The lightning flashed again.

Bro would certainly come after John if Dave was defeated due to his hatred of all cops.

T.O. would certainly be free to throw the neighborhood in chaos if John were to lose.

 

Two battles were taking place at once. And grand trophies, be it pride or justice, were up for grabs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH WHOOPS NOT EVEN GONNA FIGHT.


	5. John Manhandles A Portly Villain or Dave Welcomes Bro To Wal-Mart aka the THUNDERDOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS?!

No matter what John had tried, he simply couldn't lay a hand on T.O. and all of her nonathletic glory. He sent punches, gusts of wind, and at one point, his house slipper towards the fiend, but they were all deflected by a mystic shield. The villain let out a laugh and sent blasts of pale purple energy at the wet Egbert and he soon found himself on his butt. The pain in his behind was just as immense as the blow to his pride. Essentially he was literally and figuratively _butthurt._

Despite the frustration from the losing battle, John felt some heroic fire inside and clenched his fists. "Evil doer! I'm just getting warmed up! Little did you know that when you crossed John Egbert, you were truly dealing with..." He was totally lost in this game now. If every film from the 80s taught him something, it was that the underdog, when pressed, always wound up winning if he went _utterly nuts._ He jumped behind a tree and muttered something to himself. If T.O. wanted a hammy comic book fight, by god her stubby legs would _get_ a hammy comic book fight.

John, no, Heirman, jumped out from behind his tree with his underpants now worn over his pants. His shirt was now tied around his neck like a cape and his white chest was now adorned with the letters H and M placed inside a circle. He hadn't a marker so mud had to do.

"Heriman? Hmph. How cute. But can you truly expect yourself to fight better because you've smeared mud on your pale chest? Does your makeshift cape truly give you power beyond comprehension?" The villain laughed and a purple flash shot from her fingertips. She had already played her trump card. She knew full well John would stop playing around and she would need all the help she could get. As gusts of wind, now powered by a more youthful spirit, pushed her into a tree, she simply smiled and waited.

"Are you even going to fight back?!"  Heirman yelled rushing over to the fiend. He honestly hoped for a yes. He would catch a cold at this rate.

"Fight back? Why." T.O laugh. "I've already won."

 

 

Eridan sat in his favorite spot. Even though it was raining violently, the former aquatic aristocrat chilled in his hot tub while trying to woo a fine bitch. He had a sleezey gold chain around his neck which _really_ brought out the purple in his eyes and the wonky old man knockers he swore were just pecs. In his hand he had a cup of what he told everyone was _super fine human gross wine_ but really it was Kool-Aid. Not even wine colored coolaid. It was the really cool kind that changes from blue powder to red liquid but......... _it tastes like green apple._ Next to him in his _bubbly amour tub fuckin thin_ was his fine bitch of the evening. A gem that had been passed over for ages...so just Nepeta, the only one left. She was thin, wiry, and had a hunched back due to pushing her cubs (read: stray and/or stolen cats) around in a baby carriage. They were under an umbrella  next to Eridan's backdoor and she got out every few moments to check on them.

"Why don't you stay in the love machine." Eridan said trying to wiggle his eyebrows. He had wiggled them so much in his youth that he had literally burnt out every muscle needed for the action. He instead now just shook his entire eyebrow with his hands while moving his head from side to side. ~~It was hot. Probably. To some people. A few people.~~ It was stupid.

Nepeta hissed and brought her seven cats into the hot tub while petting them. She pulled out a bottle from her grandma style one piece bathing suit and fed one. Once the jets turned on, they flipped out and all sunk their claws into Eridan's face in order to stay dry. He let out a scream but Nepeta just assured him it meant they liked him.

There was a purple flash in the distance and all of the cats slowly turned to face it. Eridan was still yelling and flailing, but soon they jumped off. The other kittens in the carriage crawled out as well in a zombie-like trance and headed towards Michael J. Fox Memorial Park. The sounds of meows rang out into the night and felines from all over the block marched together. Nepeta stood silently. She was unable to move.

 _Only a true Mewssiah could do this. She was not worthy._

 

 

Far from the epicenter of the main conflict, Dave managed a sloppy roll as Bro swung his powerchair with the greatest of ease. The old coot was fighting even better than he had as an adult, and that truly said something. He scrambled to his feet slowly and put a hand on his ball cap to prevent it from falling off.

"Wal-Mart is your place for friendly folks, great deals, and all your needs!" Bro yelled charging at Dave. He swung towards the arm holding the cap in place and did a senile Irish jig upon knocking the arm away with a painful crunch. His younger brother let out a grunt and managed to slide between the dancing geezer's legs and plant a broken hunk of steel right into the old man's leftmost buttcheek. He seemingly flew into the air but suddenly came down and swung the jazzy. Dave met it with his blade but soon realized he had one arm against Bro's two thanks to that damn hat mess-up.

"Come on just give it up, Bro!" Dave grunted forcing the powerchair back. "You need to be spewing tapioca into depends and wondering why porn isn't exciting anymore, not being good at fucking chair fights."

Bro laughed and slowly walked toward Dave. "I dunno baby bro." He said with an eerily low voice. "I'm not the one actin old." He snapped the spinners off his pimped ride and threw them like shuriken. Three of them sailed with deadly accuracy towards Dave's torso.

"What's with all this kid stuff?" Dave called out smugly. He cut the three spinners in two trying to use his flashiest moves.

"Man lookit you dancin around like you got somethin to prove. Grandpa you must be forgettin some shit cause your math is off." The older Strider said.

"I'm not tryin to prove anything. I ain't old. I ain't weak. And you sure as hell aren't gonna win this fight, pops." The older, younger Strider retorted.

Bro adjusted his shades and shrugged. "You're playin sloppy, bro. Maybe we should trade places. You go putt around on my bitchin scootie scoot and I'll go chill out wherever. You're so old you forgot about wheels and shit. You know. How there's _four_ of them."

The final wheel shuriken caught Dave off guard and he went to block his body once again.

"You senile little baby."

Then he realized something. The improvised shuriken was meant for his hat which was now pinned to a telephone pole exposing the little secret Dave had sworn he would never let out. A secret not even Jade knew.

He was going bald.

Instantly, all the will to fight back blew away in the wind. Worrying about shit like this wasn't cool. Nah. Going bald was for old people though. Not _cool_ people.

"Get up baby Dave. Nothin to hide now. We can finish this."

Dave picked up his sword and looked at Bro between gritted teeth.

"C'mon baldy, get some fight back in you. I'll take your old ass down, walk inside your house when I'm done, and then  walk into your house and _poop in your own toilet._ The biggest bro dishonor in the world. But the biggest bro offense warrants that shit though. Lyin ain't cool man. I didn't raise a liar."

Bro drew his old blade and threw the scooter aside.

"I'll show you man. I'm still Dave Fucking Strider." Fucking was honestly his middle name. It was also one of Ruby's seven middle names.  "Bald or not, I'll still throw a beatdown on your ass 'cause that's how I roll."

"Shit, you finally got the talk down, but let's see you walk to town."

Their blades met instantly.

 

 

Back in the park, John looked around. "I don't see anything." he mumbled. "Are you suuuure this isn't just you saying you've lost?"

"I'm positive." The villain said in a sing-song voice.

A collective hiss cut through the heavy rain and in the span of one flash, several hundred cats surrounded the two combatants. Their eyes glowed a pale purple and they all swayed in unison.

"C-cats?" Heirman stammered. "A-are you serious?"

" _Dead_ serious actually. They're not just cats, but my own purrsonal army. They've been blessed by the Dark Ones just as I have. They're to prevent you from running."

John snorted. "Me? Run? I'm the Hero! I can't! I won't! I don't want to!"

T.O. laughed. "You say that now." She then pointed to a gatepost right outside the ring of cats. A man in a fedora was tied by YARNS MOST FOUL to it. Several felines were batting at his shoes, but after another snap by their mistress, they brandished their claws.

"P-pop?" John said in a shaky voice. "L-let go of him!"

"Oh no mister Hero, not until you defeat me. _If you can_. You see now we play ~~fur~~ for real. You have ten minutes. Then...then your dear old father becomes a scratching post for my children."

She then brandished a pair of insidious and altogether familiar knitting needles that glowed with a profound energy.

" _R-rose?"_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything gets concluded in the next chapter I swear! Well, as far as the fights go.
> 
> Note: When Bro told Dave he was going to "Poop in his toilet" it should be stated that the phrase he used is the ULTIMATE Strider insult as a man's dumping station is his heart, soul, and one thing in this world that is truly his. Should someone crap in it, it is a face worse than death.


	6. Margarine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Bro battle. Dave makes several remarks about tampons.
> 
> Margarine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Nurple

The harder Dave swung, the slower Bro moved. He was fighting angry. His pride had been wounded by having his dark little secret exposed, and now an old man was wearing him out by simply moving his torso from side to side. Bro always knew how to push his buttons in just the right way, it was like his way of having a heart to heart despite this being more of a fart to fart. The winner would be pooping in the loser's toilet after all.

"C'mon kid, I've seen better moves on Youtube and half of those chumps can see past their giant guts." Bro taunted. "It's like I taught you a ton of stuff but you caught ADD and grew up retarded. You gotta fight like an animu." He ducked below a slice and pulled something out from beneath his hat which seemingly held anything and everything. It was one of his plush rumped little bastards. He jammed the ass of the abomination right into Dave's chest and watched as he flew backwards into a telephone pole. _The things had asses so firm that you could bounce a quarter off of one and watch as the ricocheted coin killed a man._

Dave was back on his feet, but he was hardly in a stance to continue fighting. "Man, maybe I don't want to be clashing swords with my geriatric BroDad. My Brad I guess. Dro. Whatever. What's with you anyway man. I can't tell if you're ironic anymore or just crazy. What's with the chair man? The acting all old? I know for a fact you're just fine cause you've been kicking my ass all night."

"Simple, baby broson. Bron. Sro. Whatever. It's pretty fuckin obvious why I pimped out a powerchair and stuff. Look, right? If you were actin all old and shit, and you're not even half as old as I am, then what would that make me? Like infinity billion years old plus five. It's me tellin you that you should lighten up an--"

"Oh my fucking god, Bro, you gotta be slipping up and senile because this is the _gayest_ fucking heart to heart brotherson-I-am-worried-about-you-it's-ok-to-be-you thing I have ever seen." Dave started to laugh despite the puppet ass imprint on his chest. "Did you like think this up after eating a bowl of tampons while Lifetime was on TV?" He was busting a gut.

Bro paused.

No. No it couldn't be.

"You seriously. You seriously fuckin' thought I was having a midlife crisis? Me? Dave Motherfucking Strider?" He wiped what was either a tear or rain from his shades and leaned against the pole he had nearly split in half. "Bro I hate to tell this to you but..."

Bro tightened his grip on his blade and braced himself.

"...but I think I just ironically shielded me going bald so well that _you_ totally _fagged_ out on _me_ and started _caring_ about my _well being_ like some kind of _John Egbert_. Bro you taught me better than to give a shit about natural stuff. Striders are cool regardless. It's in our DNA."

"Man...you...you got me man." Bro said pulling his hat down. "I'm proud or constipated or something." The rain picked up and lightning flashed again. "But now you gotta pay the price for making me have girly emotions." He threw his blade down. Dave did the same. He knew what was happening.

Bro lunged at Dave and stuck a finger in his mouth. He jammed the wet Willy into his brother's ear and laughed as he writhed in pain. Without missing a beat however, the younger Strider took Bro's hat and hacked a loogie in it before slapping it back on his head. The two quickly broke away from each other and stood at opposite ends of the street.

Suddenly, with the trademark speed which all Striders temper and train through years of watching anime and filtering their blood out in order to replace it with Monster, the two met once again. Their movements were brief flashes which vanished and materialized even quicker than the lightning. Bro gave Dave a bare scalp noogie, Dave gave Bro an atomic wedgie...it was a horror to witness.

The two materialized and had each other in a 2x Indian Burn knot. Smoke arose as the two hastily used the force of friction to burn their foe's skin. They scrambled a bit and retreated back to their corners of the street, both beaten and tired.

Dave looked to his burnt arm. Bro, being the masterful Indian Burner he was had managed to burn the word _Queerfart_ into Dave's arm in a fine display of calligraphy. Dave hadn't slouched either.  He had left his dearest brother with a finely burned image of his sworn enemy Oprah Winfrey in his arm.

They were evenly matched.

"Dave, if you're gonna run after your boyfriend, you're gonna have to finish me off before I finish you off." Bro said catching his breath. "I think you know how we're gonna settle this."

"Y-yeah. Yeah I do." Dave said trying to pull himself together. He could hardly hear anything. He suspected Bro had torn off some of the Smuppet's ass and jammed it in his ear canal during their last clash.

Lightning arced through the sky and in the distance two glowing figures of purple and blue met in midair. John was fighting. He'd need back up.

The two men slowly walked and met in the center of the road. They faced each other. Brother to brother. Father to son. Queerfart to Oprah Arm. They each cracked their knuckles and held out their right hand.

"On three, your best move." Bro said.

"One."

  
"Two."

"Three!"

A magical battle aura surrounded Bro's hand as he gripped Dave's left nip, his weakest one, and began to twist it. This was Bro's Screaming Eagle Spiral Dragon Nurple. It has brought the younger Strider to tears in the past in a matter of seconds. It was truly the technique of a demon.

Dave counter by grabbing Bro's left nipple, his weakest, and smirked through the pain.

"What.....no....special move?" Bro asked between gritted teeth.

"Heh....shit...." Dave winced and bit his lip. "Nah man....you said fight like....oh jesus fuck thats a 1080 on my nip you're doin...." He fought to remain strong. "You said fight like an animu so....I will....." Dave suddenly let out a battle yell and began to spin his entire body violently.

" _ **GIGA TAMPON GIRLY MAN TOTALLY LADY WHO WATCHES LIFE TIME MOVIES BAKA-NO-HENTAI DRILL TIT TWISTIN' HURRICANE NURPLE X!"**_

Bro could not believe both the pain and the glorious nurple he was experiencing. In true anime fashion he let out a yell and flew backwards with an _explosion_ into a corner mailbox. He lay motionless for the longest time. Dave ran over, fearing his strength may have been too much for the old man, but was greeted with a week chuckle.

"You got me man. Even though I've still got 203 victories to your one, you got me. Go on man. Help out your...grhrrkrhrk." He then pretended to die in all anime fashion leaving Dave alone.

The former Knight of Time looked towards the park which had become a light show of blue and purple. He could hear meowing. He didn't have any _time_ to waste this _night._ He had a bro to help out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short. Kinda rushed. About to head off to work upon posting this.
> 
> Felt I should split up the fights so they get nice attention.
> 
> As usual, questions/comments are welcomed. PCHOO


	7. Cats are horrible people.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No honestly, they are horrible people. They don't even have thumbs. Did you know my girlfriend had a racist cat? They're thumbless racists. I bet all of Rose's cats are thumbless racists let's find out.
> 
> Final chapter. John and Rose settle this.

As John was blasted into the statue of the late, great Michael J. Fox, he began to ponder an awful lot of things. The first of which dealt with how it was going to hurt like hell when he hit the ground, the second dealt with why Rose of all people would be pulling the whole Tim Burton Batman villain thing, and the final thought was something about cats. Rose totally could have gone with some mystical Catwoman analog instead of what looked like the bastard daughter of Dr. Strange and Ultraman in pink. 

With a loud crash, John slammed into Michael J. Fox's smooth mandible and slid down to his square shoulders. He rubbed his back and watched Rose as she flew in front of him. She drew her needles and they began to crackle with energy once again. A laugh escaped her lips, and she let out some garbled sentence about defeating Heirman once and for all. John's ears were ringing badly and the entirety of his gray matter felt scrambled and stirred after that last hit.

"So I guess I die..." he paused. To him, he thought he was just _thinking_ these words internally because he couldn't hear them escaping his mouth due to the horrible ringing, but in reality he was saying everything loud and clear. "The fat lady is singing."

Rose had been delivering a hell of a monologue as John had been talking to himself which compared his impending death to the sun finally setting as the blood moon rose in the blackest of nights, but she stopped mid-sentence upon hearing the last part of her foe's murmurings. The wands lost their spark for just a moment and Rose bit into her lip. Did he just...go there?

John rubbed the side of his head and closed his eyes. "Yep this is it. The big finale."

The villain clenched her fists and closed her eyes. "H-how dare you! Insolent worm! Your childish insults hold no power over me!" She summed the wands again and pointed them menacingly at Heirman who was still reeling from the blow. The ringing was subsiding, but he still couldn't hear anything past a murmur from his arch nemesis.  "Do not ignore me, Heirman! Mere moments ago you were quaking in your stockings at the horror that I was unleashing! Have you given up! Should I spare you just so you can crawl away!"

By this point in time, John was back in the game and totally oblivious of the exchange that he had unwittingly been apart of. "Oh...erm....fat chance! Like I'm going to give in to you! I'll fix you Rose, you've obviously mind controlled or crazy! We can work it out! Just stop fighting!"

Now he was just rubbing it in. Work out? _Fat_ chance?

"Listen John, I will have you know that while I could have gone out a _bit_ more, my physical appearance warrants no such defamation!" Rose spat. She looked at herself in Michael J. Fox's bronze surface and posed. Nope. Everything was normal. Everything was ok. "For a woman my age, I am in the appropriate body mass index! I'm no Feferi Peixes."

"See look! You're being crazy right now! I'm not making fun of how you look! I'm just saying that you have a huge case of the crazies!"

Rose let out a gasp and blew off the statue's hulking right arm in a fit. "A _huge_ case of the crazies? Your subtlety is only matched by your stupidity! John Egbert, you are an utter monster and are so socially inept that I regret committing those crimes, putting on this stupid uniform, and trying to win you over after that _horrible day._ " She descended down to the ground and crossed her arms.

John, being the graceful swan he was, fell off the statue's shoulders, and scrambled back to his feet. "Wait, wait...you did all of this and you did it to make up for something?" Perhaps it was just the concussion, but this shit was crazy. "Ok so I get you put on silly spandex. I get you wanted to fight me. I don't get the thefts and the violence though. And what _horrible day_ are you even talking about?" John yelled.

"Do not attempt to shield that accursed day from your memory, John!" Rose said throwing a hand to her head like one of the melodramatic actresses on public access. "The day. They day with the cats....nearly two decades ago!"

Nothing clicked in John's head.

"For fuck's sake John, do you remember when Jade egged you to call me and I freaked you out because Strider was giving me 'pointers' on how to not scare you off. The cats John. I made you talk to my cats on the phone! I purred!"

Nothing.

"Sorry Rose, I don't remember that. All I remember is talking to you for like five years, then you just kinda disappeared for twenty more even though you lived across the street."

He was repressing it. She knew how to fix this though. She just needed to use a trigger word and the memories would come flooding back. "I used the phrase _cat mamacita._ "

John's eyes opened wide and he started to shake. "No! NO! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was going to call you back but I thought I freaked you out and! No! No! Stop! No! John pick up the phone again! Oh no! No! John! No! Come on!" He gripped his chest and relived every moment of that fateful call. "Rose I'm sorry! I still really did like you, I just got too nervous to call you back so I kinda...avoided you for a while! I was going to send you some really nice flowers and letters but I kept nearly peeing my pants when I walked to your house and I'm sorry and I thought if I was a macho Block Captain I could totally woo you and like me and Vriska had a plan for me to like become a secret author and challenge you online then we would meet up and surprise and..." He was rambling.

"Yes yes! I know! I know! I should have done more myself! You see I was going to march up to your door and apologize but I immersed myself in my stupid writings and was very nervous and felt ashamed of myself and I'm sorry! Yes! So sorry! And I Kanaya and I thought of this stupid plan so I could play to your childish-yet still very cute if I am allowed to say- fascination with comic book concepts of heroes and villains and everyone was in on it and allowed me to 'pilfer' this-and-that. I was a masterwork and I'm sorry it came to this and..." she stopped herself.

There was a long silence.

"Oh my god wow we are like the biggest man-children on Earth. What is this, like sixth grade?" John said. "Gosh. We're kind of really pathetic."

"My stars yes. I apologize for roughing you up a bit."

"No problem. I mean I fought worse."

Another pause.

"So I've never like done this before. How do we go about it."

Rose pulled out a note. "I used Yahoo Answers. The advice was from a girl whose credentials included "most bfs in my middle school" so I felt this would suffice." She handed him a pen and a note.

 _want 2 go out check one  
_

 _[ ] yes   [ ] no  [ ] maybe_

As John checked yes, Dave ran up pretending to fight his way through the cats. John's father who had been 'tied up' stopped him and pointed.

"Awwww, look at that little ceremony. Those must be the two happiest pieces of walking birth control ever." Dave nodded to himself. "Wait hold on a second I thought John was kicking that chunk in the spandex's ass!"

Bro strode up moments later. "Had to have two aloof retards for this to work. You just kinda helped fan this sick fire of a nerd will-you-ask-me-out thing. I didn't know you would try to cut in on his fight though. Had to hold you back. Plus I wanted to kick your ass 'cause it's a Friday night. Remember family game night, bro?"

"Wait a fuckin sec. This was some kinda plan and I played co-derp to the big boss himself?" He smiled wryly. "P fuckin slick. But why me?"

John's father laughed and put an arm around the boy. "Simple David, you, ah, what's the word...I'm trying not to be vulgar...you...hrmm..." He rubbed his chin. "You fucked it up last time, my boy! Couldn't have you doing it this time!"

They all laughed. Mr. Egbert said fuck. Hilarious.

Dave and Bro headed back in the rain with the mob of cats following them. Mr. Egbert had his car waiting on the far side of the park for John and Rose. The two sat in the back seat and giggled like foolish thirteen year olds instead of grown adults. It was long overdue for the both of them.

"Now I don't want any funny business!" John's father called out. "No cooties in my car, you crazy kids!" He was enjoying the regression almost as much as they were. He had longed to say something like that.

"Aw come on, pops!" John said. "We're grown up enough to know cooties only come from kisses!"

Rose and John's dad laughed.

John didn't.

The two of them laughed at John for not laughing.

Cooties were still real to him. Best not ruin the illusion.

 

The car soon pulled onto the street adjacent to Gumtree Lane.

"Hmm. This is certainly very odd." The old man said applying the breaks. "Awful lot of light coming from the street for this time of the night."

As they turned on Gumtree, the lights of the fire engines became apparent. Several homes were burning. Jade ran up to the car and banged on the window. John rolled his window down and nearly threw himself out of the vehicle.

"Did you guys see him go?!" Jade yelled. "He burned all those houses down when you and Dave left!"

"Who? Who burned the houses down? I mean c'mon Jade. Rose and are already _going out_ now. You don't need to keep up with the gag which was _GREAT_ by the way!" A sinking feeling in his gut predicted what his sister was about to say.

"No John. This isn't apart of that. Scientist's honor. This is all real."

"Then who did this?!" John demanded.

"He called himself.... _The Dark Pupa....."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMM you said to yourself. What an anti-climactic fight. John hurls fat jokes, Rose gets mad, they work it out. The end.
> 
> OH WHOOPS NOPE HERE COMES THE REAL PLOT WHOOOOPS WHOOOOPS WHOOOPS.
> 
> Comments and the like are appreciated!
> 
>  
> 
> WHO COULD THE DARK PUPA BE?!


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